Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Begging

Wednesday, 4 May 2005

image for Granny-Grabbing Farrell Breaks Pensioner's Heart
Broken-hearted Jessie -devastated by Dame Eileen's revelations.

Revelations that heart-throb Colin Farrell spent hours begging for sexual favours from 70-year-old actress Dame Eileen Atkins may have set many hearts a-fluttering amongst those in the autumn of their lives.

The Gosford Park actress and co-creator of the drama Upstairs Downstairs claimed she was propositioned by the 28-year-old Hollywood hunk in her hotel room just a few months ago.

But there was no "be still my pounding heart" from Jessie Imrie (92), of Sauchton Road, Cleethorpes.

Instead there were only tears of anguish from the plucky pensioner who believed she was the love of love-rat's Farrell's life.

And there was little sympathy for Dame Eileen who claimed she spent two and a half hours fending off the young movie star's advances.

"She just a young floozy," said Jessie from her sheltered housing complex, "and she's broken my heart. There's nothing worse than a kiss and tell-tale. Over two hours to say no! I don't think so - more like two hours of saying ‘no… don't go yet, one more time please!"

Jessie and Colin have been together now for over two years but the former bus conductress believes the relationship could now be finished.

"I always knew he had an eye for younger girls," she sobbed. "A fine looking lad like him was always going to stray - I just didn't expect a Dame to go public with all the gory details about my Colin groveling for what she's described as ‘sex without strings'.

"It was never just sex between us two; I really believed it was love."

Breaking down into uncontrollable sobbing, Jessie recounted the tender moments when he would help her into a candlelit bath, or the hours he spent patiently polishing her walking frame.

"I can't believe that he would do this to me," she wept, "I feel old and rejected."

This is not the first time the Irish actor, star of the Miami Vice movie, has broken a veteran heart.

As a 22-year-old, shortly before his breakthrough role in Ballykissangel, he walked out on his lover of three years, lollipop lady Shona McFarlane (74), and moved in with sultry centenarian and retired headmistress Lula Labelle.

She later sold her story, with full details of Farrell's peculiar penchants, to a leading UK Sunday tabloid.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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