Horrified Bollywood stars Aishwariya Rai and Deepika Padukone today made an urgent phone call to Skoob Entertainment News, supposedly whilst in the nude,demanding to know the whereabouts of missing Spoof supremo Colonel Juan, the one time Bolivian revolutionary last seen in Chiswick sharing a well deserved shandy with a man known only as Doctor Fields.
"Skoob - where is the Colonel?" Rai demanded. "We need to know. That man made us who we are today and we haven't heard from him in a fortnight."
"So true," Deepika chipped in. "His story about us being papped nude by a paparazzi photo fiend has made us living legends. It's one of the all time top Spoof stories. We owe this man everything, and now we can't find him. Where has he gone?"
Indeed. Offering to do all he can to help, Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger, promised to look into the case after a lengthy Email correspondence with legendary investigator Captain/Inspector Morse from the colonies, an honourary member of New Scotland Yard's recently founded 'Rat Squad.'
Investigations revealed that Colonel Juan - or CJ as his friends know him (both of them) - was last seen in the Chernobyl area hiding from some giant radioactive rats and ants in a Russian tea room.
He graciously informed Aishwarya and Deepika that he was merely enjoying a radioactive vacation in the Ukraine, trying to find a Communist version of Wayne Rooney, and that he would be returning to the fold soon.
"Thank God he's safe," Deepika told us. "We owe that man everything. We were really missing his false moustache and fake Bolivian military medals."
"I shall kiss the man on the mouth next time I see him," Aishwarya told us. "And kiss his blessed feet."
"But of course, not in a gay way," Deepika added.
"He's a grand old stick is CJ," Buffty Ginslinger told us. "We've all missed him since he swanned off to the Ukraine bothering those nubile young Eastern European nymphettes. And we eagerly await his return and look forward with great anticipation to his dispensing his pearls of wisdom. But not in a pornographic "come on a nubile young woman's tits" sort of way."
More as we get it.