Potty-mouthed TV chef Jamie Oliver is definitely leaving the country, it has been announced. Oliver, who spends most of his time criticising people for the food they eat, has been offered a "TV show" in America, it has been revealed. However, what he doesn't know is that the show is fake and that once he leaves the country, the doors will shut and he will be locked out.
The idea of getting rid of Jamie Oliver was hatched years ago but required a lot of planning and some co-operation from the Americans before it can be executed. A fake airport had to be build to keep the celebrity away from real passengers, in case he has a go at airline food. All his fellow passengers will really be actors and actresses, and, in order to avoid provoking a swearing tirade from the fake Cockney, they will all be slim and in good physical shape.
The one fly in the ointment is that the Americans don't know that the show is fake. An unnamed conspirator in Britain said "It will be an awkward moment when Oliver goes on air from a fake studio in Chicago. There is just the possibility that a real audience might show up and applaud him. The Americans haven't quite mastered the concepts of spoof and parody."
However, just to be on the safe side, the Home Secretary has arranged for one of her aides to visit B&Q and buy a 10 bar lock. "That should keep anyone out", she said. "I've also instructed Immigration control not to open the front door if they hear Jamie Oliver's voice on the other side."
Theresa May added: "I only hope that Mr. Oliver doesn't read the Spoof!"