Cheryl Cole must have been left feeling a little distraught yesterday as news filtered through that she has finally succeeded in divorcing love-rat England full back Ashley.
As Ashley fannied about to little effect in the England v Bulgaria Euro qualifier, which England won at a canter and during which Jermaine Defoe slotted in a hat trick, Cheryl - the nation's sweetheart - was most probably really upset.
As Skoob Entertainment News stalwarts, Colonel Juan, the Bolivian revolutionary, and Lynton, the chemist who speaks fluent Latin told us. In perfect harmony. Like Ebony And Ivory - side by side on my piano keyboard told us.
"To be honest with you, I'd never heard of her until Uncle Lynton bought me a book - ghost written of course," Colonel Juan told SEN's man. "I'd never heard of Girls Aloud, and I'd always been led to believe that Geordies were just Scotsmen with their brains bashed in. But Chezza's a national treasure, and my heart goes out to her,"
Following careful consideration, Lynton opined:
"She looks nice on TV, but the reality is that she's only 5'3" and not this martyr that she's painted out to be. I don't personally blame her for divorcing Ashley. Anybody who sends pics of his cock and balls to Essex hairdessers can't be up to much. So I hereby conclude that she made the right decision."
Here at Skoob Entertainment News, we say to the divine Chezza:
"Keep your chin up girl. We're with you all the way. And if you ever get the urge to administer a head-rocking blow job to a total stranger - carry on. We won't stand in your way. At least not until the vinegar stroke."
"At which point we'd probably go a bit light headed and weak at the knees. As one does."
One time Spoof contributor (sorely missed) Bargis Tryhol, the man with the world's largest penis exclusively told SEN:
"I'd choke the bitch - no problem."
Ashley wasn't very happy to hear this, and has promised Bargis Tryhol that he will send him an Email pic of his cock and balls to show the Floridian upstart who is really the boss in the tackle department.
Tryhol was unimpressed.
More as we get it.