HOLLYWOOD - After what seemed like a long, long time Lindsay Lohan has finally made a motion picture.
She starred with the movie's superhero Danny Trejo, along with Robert DeNiro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Cloris Leachman, and Cheech "Father" Marin in the Immigration satire/parody Machete which is Spanish for machete.
The movie is set in Texas, which was really doubling as Arizona. In the movie Mickey Machete is a former bullfighter turned Mexican pinata maker, turned Mexican Federale, turned Mexican Super Hero, kind of like Jackie Chan except with no Chinese accent, chopstick tattoos, or fortune cookie addiction.
Chet, as the border patrol agents call him, swims across the Rio Grande during a violent rainstorm and quickly gets a job as a YMCA swimming instructor. He soon meets the beautifully sexy Michelle Rodriguez and it isn't 15 minutes before the two are doing the 'wild thang.'
Two scenes later he meets Jessica Alba and the two are 'boinking' within 20 minutes of meeting. Mr. Machete makes that arrogantly conceited black dude on the Old Spice commercials who is always saying "Ladies look at me, look away, look at me again, now look over there, now look back at me, I'm on a horse" seem like one of those 1950s lawn jockeys.
In between doing the 'wild thang' and 'boinking' Mr. Machete manages to landscape a few lawns. It is while working on a lawn that 'El Hombre' with 57 wrinkles meets Lindsay Lohan and her mother who are both swimming in their Olympic size pool totally naked.
Lindsay hollers for him to take a break and join them for a dip. He says that he does not chew tobacco. Lindsay smiles and she tells him that she wants him to rub her back because the chlorine has made it itch. Her mom says that the chlorine has also made her back itch and she would like to be rubbed as well.
Senor Machete takes off his serape, his sombrero, and his Nike's and he jumps in. Right a way Lindsay and her mom surround him and perform what they call in Beverly Hills as a swimming pool menage-a-trois. Machete calls it his damn friggin lucky day.
They all start singing "La Bamba" by Richie Valens and Lindsay tells Machete that she has decided to go to the pet shop tomorrow and buy a Chihuahua dog and name it after Sarah Palin. Machete starts laughing and asks why she would want to name a sweet little Chihuahua dog 'Bitch.'
Lohan's mom stars laughing so hard she pees in the pool. Lindsay and Machete quickly swim to the other side of the pool.
SIDENOTE: The part of Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio was played by Don Johnson and the part of Governor Jan "The Man" Brewer was played by Cloris Leachman.