Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 1 September 2010

image for Paris Hilton asks Lindsay Lohan for Tips on "Slammer Time"

In anticipation for an upcoming conviction on possession of Cocaine, Paris Hilton has reportedly asked Lindsay Lohan for tips on how to properly prepare herself for time in the slammer.

Though details of the actual conversation were sketchy, Ainsley Lemming, personal aide to Ms. Hilton, tells reporters that Paris was just trying to make sure, "In case she didn't beat the rap", that all the basic necessities that Paris expects on a day to day basis would be taken care of.

Hilton was reportedly shocked to hear that she would not be allowed to sleep until noon, and that she actually had to go and get her own breakfast, worse yet, not have any options as to what breakfast might be. "No menus, no wait staff, no fresh squeezed anything. It was a horrible eye opener for her", says Lemming. "Lindsay told it like it was".

Hilton was next reported to be in tears when it dawned on her that the word "incarceration" she had seen in the paper the day before, actually meant she couldn't come and go as she pleased. "She thought it meant that she would have a car to go back and forth to jail when it was convenient. I didn't have the heart to tell her that there wouldn't be a king size, lace trimmed bed waiting for her, or a fresh copy of Cosmo on the night stand either", says Lemming.

Hilton's lawyers were instructed to spare none of her father's expense, in getting her off from, "this clearly bogus charge for a celebrity", as Ms. Hilton phrased it. Working with her personal language coach in advance of yesterday's press conference, Ms. Hilton was reportedly distraught as she had apparently practiced the word before coming to the podium. With a dramatic lift of her arm and while placing the back of her hand over her forehead, Ms. Hilton declared, "I'm distraught".

In a related story, inmates all across California are excited to have Ms. Hilton join them. "She will be the belle of the ball for sure", said one inmate who was only identified by her street name, "Mama Bukacki".

Hilton's fate will be decided in court next month.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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