Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

image for Kristen Stewart's Private Heartache - She Is Being Stalked By Two Stalkers
Kristen Stewart says that the stalking has gotten so bad that sometimes she goes out disguised as an old lady.

DETROIT - Kristen Stewart was in Motown to see about purchasing a 2011 Ferrari, which she has wanted for quite some time now.

As she was looking at the various cars in The Blue Lion Ferrari Dealership she noticed a man in a Los Angeles Dodgers cap with his pants hanging down around his knees staring at her.

Right away Kristen realized that he looked silly as hell and looked like he could be related to Sandra Bullock's inbred ex-husband Jesse "Messy" James.

She turned around to look for a security guard and by the time she found one in the men's restroom the man had vanished.

Lately Kristen has had problems with two different stalkers. One is the L.A. Dodgers cap wearing stalker and the other is a hillbilly female who wears Daisy Duke short shorts, no bra, and 6-inch imported Italian stiletto heels.

The woman is always singing songs by Gretchen Wilson such as "Redneck Woman," " Don't Do Me No Good, No Way, No How, No Sir," and "I Been Thinkin' 'Bout Cheatin' But I Just Ain't Quite Figured Out With Who Or Is It With Whom Yet."

Stewart says that the other day it got so bad that she actually had to tell the woman to please try and sing in the right key or else don't freakin' sing at all.

Kris says that lately she has not been able to sleep. She also has trouble trying to laugh, trying to eat, and trying to pee.

In a related story. The NFL Detroit Lions will not be moving afterall. Team owner William Clay Ford said that he had given some consideration to possibly moving the team way out west to Pocatello, Idaho, in order to get them away from all of the crime infestation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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