Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Music, X-Factor

Sunday, 29 August 2010

image for Shock: X-Factor Contestant Daniel Dropped From Show
A musician, yesterday.

X-Factor contestant Daniel Pessary has been sensationally dropped from the show.

The London born painter, 24, made headlines last week when he sang his way into boot camp with a stunning rendition of 'I'm A Little Teapot'.

All three regular judges, Simon, Cheryl and Louis, and guest judge Stephen Hawking all said 'yes' to the East Ham decorator. He also received a standing ovation for his use of hair gel during his performance.

Daniel's audition was made even more poignant, as his was the first of the series to feature a 'touching backstory', thus garnering him an added sympathy vote.

The Londoner was diagnosed with a severe fibre deficiency last June, which resulted in serious constipation.

He battled with discomfort in his bowels and 'lack of movement down there' until someone told him to try Ex-Lax. He did and everything was sorted.

Then his gran died whilst snorkeling in Magaluf, and his dog got knocked down, severing it's spine (*). All this against a backdrop of moody pouting on a windy hilltop, to the strains of R.E.M's 'Everybody Hurts'.

During the week however, reporters discovered that Daniel was hiding something. He was in fact a real musician.

"He can play guitar," we were told by an X-Factor insider, "he also plays fiddle and lute. We are also pretty sure he can play the pian-pian-piano, piano, piano, but we're waiting for confirmation of that."

Pessary is also thought to have co-written the 2004 hit 'Hey-Ya' by Outkast.

"It's such a shame to find someone talented like this," sobbed Bertram Schmuk, producer of The X-Factor, "it's in the rules that anyone talented can't be in the X-Factor, he's gotta go!"

Pessary was unavailable for comment this evening, as he was performing a sitar recital of World Music, for the local Women's Institute in Dagenham.

* Daniel's dog, Chutney, survived the road incident, but is unable to use his back legs. He was nailed to a skateboard and can now do some impressive tricks!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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