SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California - Heidi Montag was in The San Fernando Valley to purchase some peaches so she could make her favorite desert Caramelized Peach Cobbler Parfait.
When asked how she was doing she replied that she was doing very bad since her plastic surgeon passed away in an automobile accident blamed on the fact that he was texting while driving.
Montag said that her recent divorce has also taken its toll on her and she has noticed that the stress is causing her nipples to change colors from a light pink to a darker almost magenta color.
She said that she is extremely afraid of the fact that her nose could end up falling off the way that Michael Jackson's did.
Heidi also pointed out that when she pees the smell of plastic is almost unbearable and when she (blanks) the odor or plastic fills the bathroom and she has to hurry up and leave and actually go outside to get some fresh air.
Heidi also said that her tongue has started to grow hair and now when she goes to kiss a male and he sees the hair growth on her tongue he quickly turns away, gets up from the bed, and goes to the refrigerator and quickly drinks down about three beers.
Montag has said that she truly wishes that she could undo the 37 plastic surgeries that she has had done.
Louisiana comedian Zydeco Dupree said that if Miss Heidi has all that plastic stuff taken away she can donate it all to the U.S. government and it could go towards the building of an Air Force reconnaissance blimp.
In other news. Oceanic scientists are now stating that the vast amounts of tar balls that are still floating off the coasts of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama can actually help to prevent a hurricane strike as hurricanes absolutely hate oil and will turn away from it in order to avoid its yuckiness.