PR and personal management gurus and magazine editors were panicking last night following the news that pain-in-the-arse Z-list sleb Kerry Katona was retiring from public life.
They fear that the former Atomic Kitten's shock decision may influence other flatulent, useless prats to give it a rest, leaving a gaping hole in the celeb gossip industry.
In a statement e-mailed to the UK press, Katona said: "I'm tired of constantly having to keep my weight down and coming up with drink, drugs or romance problems just to stay on the pages of the likes of Heat and OK!
"I suspect the British public may well have had enough of these invented problems too. Also they're probably sick to death of having my bikini clad body thrust in their faces every five minutes when I lose a little weight.
"No doubt they feel the same way when I've let myself go and the magazines are full of 'Kerry's latest drama' stories.
"I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the British public for the nuisance and to promise that I won't be bothering them any more. Hopefully, I can find a quiet job in the retail industry or an office somewhere."
Editor of Crap Weekly, Larry Chronicle, said: "Kerry alone quitting public life is not going to cause us too many problems, but if other celebs - like Katie Price or Lindsay Lohan - get the idea and follow suit, we could be up shit creek."
Barry Sparrow, head of PR management company The Firm, added: "F***! Katie's already f*****' been on this morning f******' talking about f******' jackin' it in. And Cheryl wants to come in for a f*****' chat this afternoon.
"Katona could have f****d it all up for every f*****' one!"