WESTPORT CONNECTICUT -- "I was just digging around some horseradish roots in my garden yesterday afternoon," tells Martha Stewart. "You know how big those things get! This one root went way down and I was using my trusty old fence spud and shovel on it. When I got down to about four feet, the spud hit something that sounded hollow. I didn't know what to think… who knows what in the world could be buried on one of these old Connecticut farms."
"After a while I was able to determine that it was some kind of wooden box, and I must tell you: the thought crossed my mind that it just might be buried treasure. But it was getting late and I had to get back in my house so that damned radio thing on my ankle wouldn't get me into trouble with my parole officer."
"I had a lot of business things to take care of after dinner and by the time I got some free time, it was already 10:30 at night. There was no way I was going to be able to get any sleep thinking about that buried wood box in my garden, so I grabbed one of my antique kerosene lanterns and went back out there to dig some more."
"About two o'clock in the morning I finally got the top cleared off enough to get the lid open. I pried with all my might at those old rusty nails and…"
"Oh Lord! I just didn't believe what I saw when the lid came off! There were bundles and bundles of cash down in there! I got so excited I peed in my pants, but I didn't care."
"I've had a lot of money in the bank, but I've never seen that much real cash before. I gathered all of it up and used my garden cart to get it to the kitchen back door. Now I've got all of it stacked behind my canned strawberry preserves in the pantry. I think I'm just going to keep it a secret so I can go in my pantry every once in a while and play with my money. There's no use in telling the Internal Revenue Service about it… I sure don't want to have to give any of it to them."
"I hope all you Spoof readers will keep my little secret… if you do, I promise I'll show you all the goodies in my pantry any time you want to stop by for a visit."
Martha Stewart is now on parole after serving a five-month term in prison. The Spoof management hopes that no one will tip off the Internal Revenue Service (203) 384-5818 about Martha's unreported taxes.