CHICAGO - The singer formerly known as Madonna was in the Windy City shopping for a special cellulite removing salve imported from Finland that is only available at The Countess Department Store in Chicago.
Madonna was asked if it was true that she has just recorded a song that she hopes will catapult her back into the music spotlight.
The 51-year-old ex-wife of Guy Ritchie and Sean Penn grinned and replied "Ah yeah...dat's kinda what I be hoping dat da song does if ya kinda know what I mean yo."
When asked why she was talking like a quasi-white version of Fantasia she became upset and said that she, unlike Miss Barrino does not go around stealing other women's husbands. She then said that she, unlike Miss Barrino does not try to call attention to her new CD by taking 94 M&Ms, and she pointed out that she, unlike Miss Barrino does not have lips that a tuna fish would be envious of.
Madonna was asked if she is ever going to grow up and stop being so mean to people, she laughed and said that at 51, why the hell should she start now.
She was informed that Internet blogger Perez Hilton refers to her as the semi-white Naomi Campbell. La Madonna exploded and threw the Diet Pepsi she was drinking against the wall.
Madonna then stood up and said that Naomi "The Queen of Mean" Campbell is the black Madonna.
Madonna was asked about her brand new song. She said that she co-wrote the song with Simon Cowell and Kara DioGuardi. Simon came up with the tune and her and Kara wrote the lyrics.
At first, Kara wanted to title the song "You Can Pet My Pups, But Don't You Dare Go Anywhere Near My (Kitty)."
Simon did not like it because of the three "P" words in the title. Madonna said that she did not like it because of the word "Dare" which she had used in a song some years ago.
So Madonna changed the title to "Okay So Who Really Gives A Flying Eff If My Knockers Are Lopsided?"
Simon and Kara both agreed that it was a perfect name.
SIDENOTE: Kara DioGuardi said that she is still looking in the newspaper for a job. She asks that if anyone has a position for reality show judge available to please call her at 1-800-000-0000.