Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Tuesday, 24 August 2010

image for Peter Andre is Ruining OUR Marriage
Fathers for Justice Demand Washboard Stomach's to be Banned

While Alex Reid may have created (or more likely sold) headlines in the newspapers over the weekend by claiming Peter Andre is ruining his marriage to Katie Price (allegedly, Katie is "obsessed" with what Peter is doing, where he is, who he is with etc. and she keeps calling Alex 'Pete' by mistake); spare a thought for Barry Bellend from Coventry whose 10 year marriage to Vicky Vulva is on the rocks thanks to the chiselled Antipodean.

"Every 5 minutes she's in tears for Andre over Katie" said Bellend, "she just won't let him go". It's put a huge strain on their marriage says Barry, "every time Peter Andre is in the papers she's a wreck - I've gotten to the stage where I'm sick to the stomach because each time I see a set of abs or toned pecs; Vicky starts frothing at the mouth and stomping round the flat slagging off Katie Price."

Vicky herself was unswerving in her support for Andre; "that Katie's a slag and Alex Reid - and Barry for that matter - isn't half the man Peter Andre is. I'd swap my husband in a second for Andre 'cos he's such a stalwart - you never hear about him selling his personal life to the highest bidder." In terms of her marriage she was quite sanguine, "Barry just doesn't understand; I want a blind disabled baby, hair extensions and fake tits and he won't have any of it, he's being totally unreasonable. He refuses to get a washboard stomach and won't even talk to me with an Australian accent, I hardly know him any more. Peter has always been there for me wherever I look - in the paper, on the TV or in me magazines. How many men are prepared to wear their hearts on their sleeves like that?"

After Vicky fled the marital home with their kids, Barry Bellend took drastic action and as a result; he and a team of activists from Fathers for Justice have lashed themselves to the ITV buildings dressed as cage fighters. In return, ITV Security have been blasting Katie Price's last single at them in an attempt to destroy their resolve. Father For Justice have demanded that washboard stomach's are banned. Until they are, they are refusing to pay any maintenance to their spouses (not that any of them were anyway) or molest any of their children.

Harvey's father, Dwight York, has in separate events, started a sit in at ITV demanding not to have to spend any time with his humongous google-eyed offspring. Katie has been campaigning for the same thing for years.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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