Just in from Skoob Entertainment News's showbiz correspondent, Buffty Ginslinger.
In an ambulance, en route to A&E at University College Hospital on Euston Road.
It seems that the nation's sweetheart (unless you happen to be a lavatory attendant) the divine Ms Cheryl Cole, was looking a bit peaky on last night's edition of the X-Factor.
"You could see it in her eyes, and in the perspiration on her modest cleavage," Buffty said, just before he passed out again.
But Buffty wasn't alone in his opinion.
"She did look a bit ropey like," homeless Manchester man, Dullard Whitby told us. "From the look of her, anybody would think she'd been off to Tanzania with some dancing bloke and got bitten by a mosquito. It wouldn't really surprise me if she had malaria or something."
Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg agreed:
"She didn't look well," he admitted. "In fact, she looked a tad malarial to me. But hey, what do I know?"
Prime Minister David 'Do Nothing Dave' Cameron was quick to reassure a faltering nation, as he said:
"Let me be perfectly clear on this; the Con-Dem coalition government will clamp down on benefit scroungers, with the invaluable assistance of The Sun, and do everything in our power to ensure that Cheryl Cole is restored to good health, and dry cleavage. We have to be single-minded about our goals and ensure that Chezza's boobies don't get all sweated up by malaria or somesuch."
X-Factor judge and overall supremo, Simon Cowbell said that the saucer of milk he put out was nothing to do with Cheryl, and that he was merely hoping for an obliging kitten to come along and lick his balls.
Louis Walsh just drooled throughout.
Nicole Sherzinger still has no mates and Cheryl Cole is still 5'3" despite the suspected malaria.
More as we get it. But probably not.