Written by Shirley Knott
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Topics: Hollywood, Ford

Sunday, 24 April 2005

image for Ben Affleck enters Betty Ford Clinic for Jennifer addiction therapy
Concern abounds for Jennifer-addicted Affleck

Shirley Knott: HOLLYWOOD - On the heels of the engagement of Ben Affleck to Jennifer Garner came a celebrity shocker this week when Affleck announced he is admitting himself for treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic.

His addiction? In his words, "I'm crazy for women named Jennifer. I can't get enough of them."

During an exclusive interview with Spoof reporter Shirley Knott at Affleck's Chateau Marmont bungalow, he explained how his addiction began.

"When I was five years-old, I saw The Song of Bernadette starring Jennifer Jones," Affleck told reporters. "I fell immediately in love with her on the spot."

As Affleck grew into his teens and began serious dating, he says he always looked for women named Jennifer. His first adult love was a Massachusetts waitress named Jennifer Jamison.

"My mom took me for lunch at a local diner," he told Knott. "Our waitress was named Jennifer - it was right there on her name tag. I fell hard for that girl."

They dated for a few years and, as Affleck began climbing the ladder of Hollywood success, he broadened his dating scope to include young Jennifer starlets. Among the many Jennifers besides Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner that Ben Affleck has romanced are Jennifer Beals, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jennifer Ellison, Jennifer Perez, Jennifer Ehle, Jennifer Coolidge, Jennifer Grey, Jennifer McCarthy, Jennifer Cavelle, Jennifer Sanford, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Tilly, Jennifer Esposito and, in two May-December romances he fondly recalls, Jennifer O'Neill and Jennifer Saunders.

"Jennifer Saunders was absolutely fabulous," he said, adding that he also dated many behind-the-scenes Jennifers who occupy various production, design and directorial positions in the entertainment industry.

"I really love Jennifer Garner," said Affleck, who revealed his pet name for her is J621, "but now that Jennifer Aniston is about to be free from Brad Pitt, well, I have to say that I just don't trust myself to not stray. I feel it's best to seek treatment now."

"I don't want to continue Jennifer-hopping for the rest of my life," he added.

Directors at the Betty Ford Clinic said they have designed a radical new therapy for Affleck. They will begin by showing him photographs of women misnamed as Jennifer. After he forms an attachment to these non-Jennifers, only then will psychiatrists reveal that the women are not legally named Jennifer.

"We want Ben to learn that every woman possesses an ‘inner Jennifer' even though she may not have the actual legal name," said Dr. Jennifer Knowles-Huston. "We have high hopes for Ben Affleck and other men and women similarly afflicted with this problem."

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FROM THE MAILBAG:

Dear Shirley,

I don't know how you knew I'd win but thank you! You must have some serious inside sources. I took your advice and wore an appropriate and camera-friendly gown. Thank you so much!!

Your fan,
H. Swank


Confidential to J. Aniston: Heads up, dahlink! There's a certain someone out there who might enjoy wearing Brad's slippers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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