Written by Allen Roberts
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Topics: Death, Celebrities

Saturday, 23 April 2005

image for New Special to Feature Celebrities Fighting to the Death
Which Murderer Will Win? Find Out in Sweeps

At 5:00 PM Eastern on Saturday, NBC made a startling and slightly disturbing annoucement that plans have been made for a one-night special in which some of the most famous(and hated) people in the world fight it out in an attempt to kill or be killed in a combat tournament until only one is left alive and all others are dead. In a press release NBC CEO Bob Wright said the following.

"We are gathering thirty-two of the most hated and yet well-known celebrities on the entire globe to compete in a new special entitled "Celebrity Slaughter" in which two celebrities compete in a gruesome Celebrity Deathmatch-esque combat to the death in each match of a tournament until only one is left alive. The winner of each of these battles will go on to compete against the winner of another battle until the last two meet in the finals. There, the winner shall recieve his own reality show on NBC accompied by a sum of $10 million and an exclusive trophy to commemorate their success. The special will be shown live and will air durng sweeps this year. A set date will be announced in the coming months and all celebrities are joining of their own free will."

It has been confirmed that the bodies of all of the losers shall be donated to colleges for practice with autopsy and other medical fields unless the body is too disfigured to be used. Though there have not been announcements of all competitors but three preliminary matches have been announced: President George W. Bush against North Korean leader Kim Jong Ill, accused murderer Gary Condit against fellow accusee O.J. Simpson, and has-been pop-diva Britney Spears against her fellow has-been Nick Carter. All celebrities will be offered chain-saws, baseball bats, knives, and more deadly impliments to put into use during their combat sessions which will take place in international waters aboard a ship specifically designed to handle such extreme action. Comments have been made since by all six of the announced contestants, most notably George W. Bush.

"It is... with much pride... that I train... to fight... for freedom... against... the commuistic... leader... of North... Korea... in sweeps week," said Bush to a chorus of cheers from fellow Republicans just minutes after the announcement was made.

We'll keep you posted on this deadly yet innoative approach that NBC is taking to sweeps this year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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