Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 19 August 2010

image for The Movie "The Vampires Suck" Brings Back The Long Lost Art of "Sucking"
Jenn Proske as Becca Crane dressed as a vampire during a Halloween tailgate party last year.

HOLLYWOOD - The vampire movie parody, The Vampires Suck has just opened and already it has jumped all the way up to #29 on the movie charts.

It has surpassed the movie based on Paris Hilton's self written autobiography, Look At My Ass - It's Hot, Gabourey Sidibe's Hey Y'all Be Gettin' Outta Da Way Cause I's Da Pepper Woman, and the movie about the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders entitled, The Adventures of The 36 High-Kickin' Camel Toes.

Vampires Suck which was produced by Sheboygan Saddlewood in association with Lions Face Pictures and The Lighthouse Motion Picture Company had its premier in Toad Suck, Arkansas, which is about 75 miles northeast of Hog Jaw, Arkansas.

The film's three main characters are portrayed by Jenn Proske, who plays Becca Crane. Matt Lanter plays the part of Edward Sullen, and Chris Riggi portrays Jacob White.

The screenplay was written by Elijah D. Bucksnort, who actually wrote the movie while incarcerated in Arkansas's Hillbilly State Prison in Pocahontas, Arkansas, up near the Missouri state line.

Bucksnort was sentenced to three years in prison for first degree plagiarism for writing the book Meet The Flickers, which was taken word for word from the Robert De Niro - Ben Stiller 2004 movie Meet The Flockers.

The movie Vampires Suck is a true to life quasi contemporary glimpse into a modern time love story with the exception that most of the characters are bloodsucking vampires.

Becca is not a vampire. She is a young confused Republican who wants to engage in a menage-a-trois with both Edward and Jacob but who can't due to the fact that her step father played by Andy Dick absolutely hates the French and everything French and has no earthly idea what menage-a-trois means.

He is computer illiterate so he cannot even go into the Internet and do a Google search or a Yahoo search.

Becca is invited to the high school prom by Jack who is played by Charlie Weber. The theme of the prom is "A Nice Night in War-Torn Baghdad."

Without giving too much of the movie away, Becca and Jack end up eloping and moving to Buffalo Lick, Arkansas where they open up Becca's Icelandic Food To Go.

Edward joins the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus as a human cannonball and Jacob moves to Arizona where he joins a vigilante group and helps to round up Chihuahua dogs and FedEx them back to Mexico.

SIDENOTE: Word on the street is that Larry King's wife Shawn Southwick and her little league coach boyfriend saw the movie and they both said it was better than John Goodman's sports comedy The New York Yankees Have Balls

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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