HOG JAW, Arkansas - Hog Jaw Deputy Sheriff Skippy Appleweather, 27, said that he's as happy as a puppy with three peckers.
Money was finally allocated to purchase a professional patrol car siren. Skippy said that it was getting downright embarrassing that anytime they had a call he had to stick his head out the window and make a siren sound sometimes at speeds of up to 85 miles per hour.
He said that sometimes he would go home and in the middle of the night he would suddenly wake up and catch himself going Errrrrr! Errrrrr! Errrrrr!
Skippy said that on two occasions his wife of four years Ida Sue came close to filing for divorce. He said that the only reason that she didn't was because she says that Skippy has the biggest winky wonk (diddly dipper) in the entire county.
Skippy did promise to make an appointment with local Dr. Titus Patootie, who deals mostly with animal patients, about maybe trying to get that Errrrrr! problem corrected or at least have the volume lowered from 120 decibels to about 40 or so.
Mrs. Appleweather says that her husband's problem may just be a blessing in disguise. She said that the principal of the high school Elmer Chickabiddy, III, called her up the other day and offered Skippy a part time job at 8 a.m., noon, and 3 p.m. to make the Errrrr! siren sound in place of the usual school bell.
Chickabiddy said that over a period of one year, the school district would save about $59 in electricity.
SIDENOTE: Fifi "Tits For Tat" La Ranch who works at The Hog Jaw Tavern has asked that all of the good ol' boys please refrain from spitting their tobacco juice all over the floor. It seems that one day last week, long time local patron Rufus "Sudsy" Buffettcorn accidentally tripped and got that shit all over his clothes and when he got home his wife, Loretta Jo gave him the whoopin of his life. "Sudsy" said that during the one-sided altercation he saw visions of the big dipper, the little dipper, and his mama-in-law, Flora Belle Bobbledell, the big damn fat-ass dipper.