Michael Douglas, the Hollywood movie star who is married to that Welsh bird, Catherine Zeta Jones, is unlikely ever to make it to the village of Wetwang in East Yorkshire, and it's not because of his recently-diagnosed throat tumour, it's because he can't stand being near swans.
Douglas, 65, has been told by doctors that he should make a full recovery from his eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy treatment, but told our Spoof reporter that he had no intention of going to Wetwang, of which the focal point is the pond filled with the long-necked graceful white birds that Douglas finds so repulsive.
He said in an interview last week:
"Yeah, I love birds, but I hate those fucking swans!"
The actor is the son of film legend Kirk Douglas, who was in the original Planet Of The Apes. Great film that. He didn't like swans much either.
In June, Douglas's son from his first marriage, Cameron, was sentenced to five years in prison for dealing methamphetamine and possessing heroin. Serves him right for starring in Traffic.
The unofficial mayor of Wetwang, Jebediah Smith III, said:
"This story appears to have been written purely with the intention of getting Michael Douglas and the town of Wetwang into the same place. This is despicable."
He went on:
"Mr Douglas doesn't know what he's missing. The swans are a delight, and especially so when cooked in a beefy gravy, and washed down with a Wetwang Wallbanger."