Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 17 August 2010

image for The James Cameron Movie Epic "The Titanic" Finally Comes To Hog Jaw, Arkansas's Cornbread Movie House
Hog Jaw's Cornbread Movie House as it looks today. The damage was from a tornado which hit Hog Jaw in 1993.

HOG JAW, Arkansas - Well the 1997 disaster movie The Titanic has finally made its way down to Hog Jaw, Arkansas.

Hog Jaw Mayor Humphrey Dumpty stated that the reason that he did not allow Elmer Fiddlefaddle, owner of the Cornbread Movie House, to show the movie was because he thought that it was a porn movie, which he said he ascertained from the word Tit in the title.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago, at the Dumpty family reunion, when Hassie Diddlepuff, 19, and one of the more educated of the Dumpty's, informed her uncle that the movie was about a big old ship that had sailed from Switzerland and had run smack dab into a big old sumbitchin' chunk of ice that was the size of Wisconsin that had broken off from Alaska and was sitting off the coast of Mississippi.

Nineteen-year-old Hassie is thrice-divorced, with four younguns and currently is a sophomore at Hog Jaw High School, where she's a cheerleaders and helps to cheer on the Hog Jaw Mountain Oysters against other district teams such as The Mt. Ida Corn Stalkers, The Black Springs Fightin' Hillbillies, The Y City Hog Gutters, and The Odem Ornery Plowboys.

Hassie's principal Elmer Chickabiddy, III, says that Hassie is one of the most popular fremale students at Hog Jaw High School on account of she makes the best okra and spinach puddin in town, she has a real pretty smile, and she never wears panties or a bra.

Hassie's daddy Bubba Clem Diddlepuff runs the Bubba Clem and Doozie May Diddlepuff Farm Tractor Repair Shop and Chewing Tobacco Dispensing Outlet.

Hassie works at the local Polar Princess Ice Cream Diner, where she makes $6.30 an hour plus all of the double dipped chocolate ice cream cones she can eat.

Mayor Dumpty informed Bobby Billy Pixiepip, publisher of The Hog Jaw Daily News that he is proud to announce that the town will be having the ribbon cutting ceremony this coming Saturday for the town's second stop sign.

The mayor said that it has been his dream to get that second stop sign put in and the town council headed by Agatha Paprika Dimplewater finally agree to allot the money.

Miss Dimplewater, who as pretty near everyone knows is 57, and has never been married. Rumor is that old Elroy Chattercork came pretty close but he reportedly backed off when he saw that old Agatha Paprika had more pubic hair than the 31-year-old Pumpkinheimer Triplets, Steffy, Effy, and Geffy, all put together.

Meanwhile Aggy Pappy, as her maternal grandmother Eunice Lulu McFribble, 101, calls her does have some good qualities about her. She can sew anything except for a raincoat. She can cook the hell out of any type of roadkill; including possum, wolverine, badger, and skunk.

And Aggy Pappy, has memorized all of the capitals of every state in the nation except for Arizona and Alaska.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I called Miss Dimplewater and asked her if she really eats skunk. She said that she has been eating skunk ever since she was knee high to a dung beetle. She added that the key to eating skunk is to take some big old damn hellacious deep breaths.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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