"From the time I was 7, until about 5 years ago, I knew every damned song on these Charts," says an unidentified, but middle-agey-handsome man. "Now, I look at them and wonder, 'is this the list of popular American songs?"
And so, another person who never, ever thought that they would be out of touch with mainstream music experiences those things that have humbled those that went before him.
"Two things occur simultaneously," said Dr. Fishen Chippes, of the Allan Parsons Project Against Fuddy-Duddyism. "One realizes not only that every song he or she liked in high school is considered a 'moldy-oldie', but that every song that is on the Pop charts currently sound exactly the f--king same."
"It can be overwhelming."
That Now That's What I Call Music, Volume 1 contains the tracks MMMBop, Zoot Suit Riot, Shorty (You Keep Playing With My Mind), Barbie Girl, Karma Police and ten other songs my daughters never heard of?
"I yelled at one of my daughters the other day," said the unidentified man. "I thought she was playing the same three songs over and over, and it was making me nuts. She said, 'Dad, this is Now That's What I Call Music 34. You bought it for me.' When the hell did pop music pass me by?"
"There are two more stages left," explains Dr. Chippes. "Just before senility sets in, the person will find that they are offended by every show on television. Next, they will spend an inordinate amount of time telling children 40+ years their junior to stay the hell off the lawn."
"Mercifully, by this time dementia has taken root, and concerns about being out-of-touch are replaced by hearing the footsteps of the Grim Reaper. So, it all works out."