Jesus H. Christ, speaking for God, has made a shocking announcement, in light of Oscar-winner Michael Douglas' sad diagnosis of throat cancer.
"My Father has decided that We will noy sit idly by," said Christ, 38, while speaking at a dress rehearsal for the opening show at Chicago Comic Con, "while a sequel to the 1987 movie 'Wall Street' is foisted upon the same hapless movie-going public which just made 'Toy Story 3' the highest grossing animated movie in history."
That 'Wall Street' stars Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen have famous fathers who are ashamed of their heritage? Yup! Michael's father Kirk's real name is Issur Danielovitch, and Charlie Sheen's father, a Spainard named Ramón Antonio Gerard Estévez, works under the name Martin Sheen?
"While we recognize that Michael is one of the Tribe, no one wants to see Gordon Gecko looking like... Well, looking like Kirk Douglas, post-stroke," Said Christ. "We've blessed Michael with a hot wife, a son who stays out of trouble, and... *God whispers in His ear* Okay, scratch the son who stays out of trouble, but you get the idea."
"Turn the 'Wall Street' sequel into a direct-to-dvd, or be prepared to sound like Jack Klugman the rest of your life."
Doctors say Douglas will undergo chemotherapy, according to his spokesperson. Doctors discovered a tumor in Douglas' throat but expect him to "make a full recovery."
"I am very optimistic," Douglas said in a statement.
"Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," is due to open in theaters Sept. 24. But the Lord has made it clear: "Wall Street Sequel or Cancer Kazoo: Michael must decide."