Fox News is currently combing insane asylums and drug rehabilitation clinics for a replacement host for Glenn Beck's show when he goes on vacation. Beck is the host of the popular "The Glenn Beck Program" on Fox News Channel. The doughy, glassy-eyed Beck is known for his ill fitting suits, dirty sneakers and paranoid ravings and was, until recently, often mistaken for a deinstitutionalized homeless man.
While millions of potential replacements were auditioned most of them either lapsed into a catatonic state after only a few minutes of rambling or worked themselves into such a transport of rage they had to be sedated and restrained. This still left several thousand applicants capable of rambling foolishly for 60 minutes without becoming a danger to themselves or others. The last few hundred aspirants will be winnowed down based on crying ability and then finalists will be subjected to medical testing. Because Beck's paranoid rantings and frequent crying fits are a result of brain damage sustained from long term alcohol and drug abuse potential replacement hosts must submit to a Fox-administered MRI proving brain damage similar to Beck's.
Fox has previously used similar tactics to replace vacationing hosts of its other popular shows. A suitable replacement was found for Bill O'Reilly after searches were made of bars and taverns for belligerent, drunken loudmouths and high school and college locker rooms were surveyed for arrogant fatheads to replace Sean Hannity.
Society's rejects, misfits and losers in America's poorest zip codes as well as advertisers of for-profit debt consolidation services eagerly await Glenn Becks's replacement. The self-loathing Beck says he plans to spend his vacation getting in touch with real Americans unlike previous vacations which he spent weeping uncontrollably in a darkened room hotel with a case of whiskey and a loaded revolver.