SANTA MONICA BEACH - Britney Spears was sunbathing on Santa Monica Beach, which has more bikini clad women than any other beach in the entire world.
She was asked about her career and where the hell did it go. Spears put the bottle of suntan lotion down and replied that she is still as popular as ever.
When told that it was not a true statement she began hollering and yelling. "Yes it is! Yes it is!" she kept screaming it over and over until one of the beach lifeguards walked over to her and told her to please take it down three notches as she was scaring the little kids, pets, and most of the elderly.
Britney said that ever since she got caught lip synching down in Australia things had not been the same. She said that she went on American Idol and now Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres have both been fired. She then went on The View, and Whoopi Goldberg got fired.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Although it is true that Goldberg did get fired over the Michaele Salahi (The White House Party Crasher) cussing incident she has since been rehired but at a 20 percent cut in salary.]
Spears then started crying and said that last week she went on Entertainment Tonight and when she arrived at her home later that evening, she learned that Mary Hart had gotten fired after 29 years.
Brit started screaming and yelling again, "I'm not an old has-been bitch, I'm not an old has-been bitch."
The lifeguard went over to her and told her that she really needed to shut up. Britney got smart with him and said that it was a public beach and she could pee in the sand if she wanted to.
The guard, who has since been identified as Lorenzo Pico-Rico leaned down and said, "Okay Ms. Spears first of all if you pee on the beach I will have you arrested for peeing on the beach.
Secondly, like I told you before, you hard-headed skank, you are scaring the little kids, pets, and most of the elderly.
Thirdly, you really need to shave your legs because I can see the black hairs plain as the cellulite on your thunder thighs.
And fourth...face it you are a has-been bitch and you need to move over and make room for the likes of Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and Taylor Swift.
Britney hollered out that she was still prettier than Taylor Swift.
SIDENOTE: Pico-Rico said that he had to call Britney's psychiatrist, therapist, hair stylist, gynecologist, and even her gardener, to come and talk to her to convince her to leave the beach.