WASHINGTON, DC -- White House physicians are breathing a collective sigh of relief this week as President Bush appears to be on the mend from the injuries he sustained while recently touring with former Attorney General John Ashcroft and his Christian rock group, "The Self-Righteous Brothers".
It was obvious as the house lights dimmed and the spotlight impaled the satin and rhinestone bedecked Ashcroft, that the more than fifty thousand fans gathered for the event, were in for something special. A palpable feeling of high voltage electricity filled the stadium as a mysterious backlit figure rose up though the stage, softly strumming the opening chords to "Stairway To Heaven". A flash of white hot light gleemed from two huge hoop earrings dangling below the edge of a wide brimmed hat obscuring the face of the mysterious apparition.
The more excitable matrons in the audience swooned as the guitar man lifted his head and it was revealed that it was none other than the fur trimmed, green and pink, taffeta tailored, commander and chief himself, President G.W.(Li'l Stinky) Bush. Tastefully dressed young republicans swayed with the melodious tones as GW's stumpy little digits positively flew up and down the frets of his glistening ax. Plant's pitiful caterwauling paled in comparison with the honey dripped tones that emanated from Ashcroft's pouting lips.
Time and space forbids this reporter from completely describing the light pulsing, rhythm pounding spectacle that enthralled the biggest gathering of devout, right wing, religious zealots ever to darken a stadium since last year's GOP convention. Suffice it to say that things ran as planned until just shortly after the third costume change.
It was about halfway through GW's stirring medley of Elvis's 1956 classics, "Heart Break Hotel", "Don't Be Cruel" and "Love Me Tender" that pandemonium broke out. Barging through the ring of Shriners posted as security for the event, a humongous, pink PVC clad, hoyden hurled her bulk up onto the stage, twirling an unwieldy pair of extra large, perspiration stained, pink pantaloons above her head.
Before an attending Shriner could stop her, shrieking, "The King Lives", she flung the unmentionables at the crooning G.W. His face enveloped in the voluminous knickers, G.W. stubbed his eight inch platforms, stumbled, fell and gave his head a nasty knock.
Of immediate concern was the red fluid that was observed seeping from the fallen star's ears. It wasn't until the press conference several hours later that the nation was allowed to breath a sigh of relief. According to the attending physician, Dr. Saul Bones, "The president was never in any real danger, although he may have a nasty goose egg for the next several weeks. The red fluid observed seeping from the president's ears turned out not to be blood after all . After extensive testing the mystery fluid turned out to be nothing more than diluted fecal matter, slightly discolored by the stewed prunes the president had for breakfast."
According to Dr. Bones, "There is no need for alarm, the president has had a history of similar occurrences since 9/11, and in each instance, we've discovered that a slight increase in roughage accompanied by soothing readings of "My Pet Goat", by Secretary of State Condi Rice, usually clears things up in a day or two.