UNIVERSAL CITY, California - The 2010 Teen Choice Awards were held in Universal City, the city that has more teens than any other city in America.
The popular event was hosted by Katy Perry, who grew up just up the Pacific Coast Highway in Santa Barbara.
Katy opened the show by singing her new song "Teenage Dream" while wearing some extremely skintight jeans. Everyone in the first three rows could definitely tell that Russell Brand's fiancee was not wearing any panties.
Although Katy is 25, she says that deep down inside her skintight jeans she is still a teen at heart.
Ashton Kutcher won the award for Best Comedy role in Killers. He also won Most Overexposed Actor for his hundreds and hundreds of boring Verizon commercials.
The Best Movie Animation went to Toy Story 3 - The Toys Get To Kickin' Some Real Life Human Butt.
The Best TV Personality went to Ryan Seacrest, host of the soon-to-be hardly recognizable American Idol. Seacrest also won the brand new category of Best TV Personality with a Hot, Hot, Hot Girlfriend (Julianne Hough).
Sixteen-year-old Justin Bieber won the Best Male Singer Award. The Canadian teen sensation thanked Kim Kardashian for giving him his very first hickey when the two attended the World Soccer Cup Matches in South Africa in June.
The Best Female Singer Award went to the singer with the redundant name Lady Gaga. The Gaga showed up wearing a borrowed 13th century chastity belt to avoid having to answer the obvious dozens and dozens of crotch questions.
Eminem captured The Best Rap Artist Award. The Missouri native's 45 second acceptance speech ended up being bleeped a total of 14 times. He later sang his brand new hit, "Yo Bitch, Is You Is, Or Is You Isn't My Main Bitch Anymore Fa Shizzle Ma MoFo Ho Nizzle."
And in one of the most popular awards of the night, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart received the highly coveted and extremely libidinous award for Best Movie Liplock. The stars of The Twilight Saga: New Moon, gladly demonstrated to the crowd their seven kissing scenes from the motion picture.
The award for Best Actress in a comedy went to Sarah Palin lookalike Tina Fey. The Teen Choice Award governing committee made a special addition to this category and awarded a secondary award for Best Comedian who is not an actress/and or comedian and who did not make a movie but who is downright funny to the point of being crazy to Sarah Palin, Levi Johnston's ex-future mother-in-law.
And speaking of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla Wonderboy, showed up with the fantastically gorgeous singer Brittani Senser on his arm. Britt told the reporters that Levi will be starring as the male lead in her upcoming music video for her rhythm and blues song "After Love."
Johnston was asked about Bristol Palin. He laughed and said that he did not want to talk about little girls and that he was here to talk about mature girls like Brittani.
He was then asked about his ex-future mother-in-law Sarah Palin. He coughed, spit on the red carpet, and said that he was here to have a good time with some really, nice, decent, honest people, and that he did not want to waste a single moment talking about "Snowflake" Palin, the woman who would rather stalk, shoot, skin, and saute a reindeer than have meaningful sex with her husband.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The much neglected Todd Palin.]
The Teen Choice Award for Best Reality Show went to Keeping Up With The Kardashians. And as all of the three sisters, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney made their way up to the stage one could clearly see why the show next year will be known as Keeping Up With The Big Butted Kardashians.
The Best Country Music Band Award went to Lady Antebellum, who performed their hit song, "Need You Now" live on television for the 18,419 time.
And the show's host Katy Perry won an award for Music Single for her song "California Gurls." Katy apologized to the audience for misspelling one of the words in the title. She said that she has since been told that California is actually written with two n's.
The Best Female Country Artist Award went to Taylor Swift who literally had her microphone sewn into her dress just in case you-know-who showed up.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: It is my understanding that The Teen Choice Award Organization had hired six members of The Venice Beach Hell's Angels organization to make sure that if Kanye "The Pest" West did show up he would not have gotten his microphone stealing ass within 30 feet of the stage.]
The Best Male Country Artist went to Mr. Nicole Kidman, the singing Aussie Keith Urban. Keith managed to find his way up to the stage, with the help of MapQuest. He spoke into the mic and forgot that he was actually there because he apologized to the audience for not being there as he was on tour over in Portugal. His wife reportedly turned to Sandra Bullock who was sitting next to her and said that she wished that Keithy would cut back on his brewski consumption some.
The Best Hips in The Business Award went to the Colombian firecracker Shakira. The woman can literally get her hips to wiggling at speeds at upwards of 95 miles per hour.
And the nights final award Best Liked Females Who Have Recently Lost Their Jobs went to Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart who said, "I'm fine. I'm okay. I bear no ill feelings but I do hope that the Entertainment Tonight set burns down." American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi said "I bear no ill will to Ryan (Seacrest) or Randy (Jackson), but I do hope that Simon Shindlebocker's 80-foot yacht sinks." And Ellen DeGeneres simply said, "I just want to get home and have my sweet, precious, sexy wife Portia massage my toes, my ankles, and then make a pit stop at my playpen."
In other news. Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken have been cast to star in 'Brokeback Mountain 3 - Sidesaddle Riding Ain't Really All That Bad.'