Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 4 August 2010

image for Robert Pattinson Says He Has The "Hots" For Mel Gibson's Ex-Future Wife Oksana Grigorieva
The piano on which Oksana Grigorieva performed her two hour private concert for Robert Pattinson.

BOSTON - Robert Pattinson was on a promotion tour for his latest movie The Twilight Saga: Eclipse when he was asked about the rumor circulating about his having a big time crush on Oksana Grigorieva, the object of Mel Gibson's 120-plus decibel tirades of late.

At first Pattinson simply tried to dismiss the rumor question as simply being celebrity rumors started by celebrity hounds who want to know every single detail about his ultra celebrity life.

He then paused and said that he did not want to disrespect Miss Grigorieva whom he admitted he has developed big time hots for.

Robert said that from the time he heard the first tape on YouTube where that crazy Australian dipstick Mel Gibson is screaming like a crazed banshee at the top of his lungs at Oksana he felt a special kindred towards her.

He said that even though the madman from hell was yelling, screaming, shouting, and cussing using every kind of vulgar, vile, nasty, and despicable name towards Grigorieva she remained calm and collected.

Pattinson said that he was amazed at the way she just spoke in a soft, gentle, feminine voice unlike the unladylike voices of Madonna, Miley Cyrus, Joy Behar, Demi Moore, and Wanda Sykes.

He said that he was able to get her email address and he emailed her telling her that he would love for her to give him a private piano performance and that he would pay her the standard rate of $800 an hour for a two hour private concert.

Grigorieva quickly agreed and the next day she was at Pattinson's Hollywood Hills mansion. After the concert the two went out by his Olympic sized pool and swam for 55 minutes.

They then went inside and Robert said that she made him a delicious Russian dinner.

Afterwards they sat around in their underwear making jokes about Mel Gibson's ridiculously out-of-control temper, Sarah Palin's boob augmentation, The South African Vuvuzelas, Jesse James dumb looking tattoos, Queen Elizabeth's hat fetish, Lindsay Lohan' crotch freckles, and Tatiana Del Toro's annoying laugh from the deep depths of hell.

SIDENOTE: When Pattinson was asked if he and Oksana are actually dating he replied that they really aren't and that right now they are merely at the 'hide the salami' stage of their relationship.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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