Written by anthonyrosania
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Tuesday, 3 August 2010

image for Olsen Twins Paid $1.33 Million Not to Pose for Playboy
The Olsen Twins nude test shots did not come out as well as expected. *Vomit.*

Hugh Hefner, owner of the Playboy empire, has often used his considerable checkbook to ensure only the hottest women make it into his celebrated titty magazine.

This time, however, Hefner has gone a different route, paying skankadelic twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen $1.33 million dollars not to pose for his magazine.

Since regretting offering $750,000 for photos of Lindsay Lohan saggy-before-their-time funbags, the 81-year-old Hefner has vowed not to cave in under media pressure to publish pubis shots of every wannabe starlet, just because they have a vagina and a SAG card.

But, it's going to cost him.

Hefner asked Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to pose for Playboy when they turned 18 but they refused. Now living hand-to-mouth after blowing their $500 million fortune on Vitamin Water and crack, allegedly*, they are now claiming that Hef's request was a contract offer, one that they wish him to fulfill.

"Hugh used to think that the twins were every young man's fantasy. But now they look like decomposing Mongolian plague victims. And let's not forget that they turned us down initially," a source was quoted as saying.

" 'We're all about high-end fashion these days,' they said. 'We want to do Vogue.' But now that they are shopping that 'I Killed Heath Ledger, Allegedly' movie script, they are all like, 'Wanna see our tits?' No thanks."

As for Lindsay, Hefner cancelled plans to shoot her for his whack-mag after Lindsay's recreation of Monroe's final nude photo-shoot "The Last Sitting" for a 2008 edition of New York Magazine.

"That pretty much ended it for me," said Hef. "You could dig up Marilyn's corpse -today!- and it would look better than Lindsay.

"Plus, the cameraman alleged that his couch smelled like a yeast infection for months after the shoot. Who wants to see the oozing Petri-dish in her pants?"

Fellow celebuskanks Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton and Angela Lansbury declined to comment on the story.

* Allegedly, allegedly. I am sure it is not true. Vitamin Water tastes like ball sweat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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