Middle-aged adult men who live in rooming houses and volunteer at the YWCA rejoice: Rubinesque beauties Dylan and Cole Sprouse turn 18 on August 4th.
Dylan and Cole, stars of the multimillion-dollar "Nutri-System For Teens" ad campaign, were born August 4, 1992 in Arezzo, Italy, to American parents Matthew Sprouse, a draft dodger and Melanie Wright, a uterus-for-hire in Italy's burgeoning illegal surrogates market.
The girls were discovered during a talent show which also featured the lovely JonBenet Ramsay. Originally hired to model clothes for chubby toddlers, the twins got their big break playing Jillian in the Adam Sandler movie "Anger Management".
Since then, Dylan and Cole have resurfaced in various shows on the Disney channel, long recognized as the network that will hire Raven-Symone, Britney Spears and other fat chicks who can't act or sing.
Even the Catholic Church is OK with men being fans of the Sprouse girls.
"Have no shame, and feel not guilty," said Father Frank Mulcahey of the RC Church of Guam, while hiding his lower torso behind a copy of the Necronomicon, "We who love chubby, rich teen girls are just as God created us."
Father Frank continued: "Now, we must all pray that they don't hit the wall at 19 like Mary-Kate and Ashley. God, what f--king hags did they turn into? Who would've thought that Candace Cameron would've become the hottest Tanner girl?"
"Did you see that Mary-Kate and Ashley were the answer to a Daily Double on Jeopardy last week? The question was 'How does God punish someone for killing Heath Ledger?' "