WASHINGTON, D.C. - Michelle Obama revealed to her noted hairdresser FuFi Fondue, that she is planning on throwing her husband the biggest White House Birthday party since the one that Julia Grant, wife of President Ulysses S. Grant, threw for her Civil War General/President husband on April 27, 1870, 140 years ago.
Julia Grant's list of guests included some heavy hitters including: General William "Georgia On My Mind" Sherman, General Joseph "The Ho Monger" Hooker, General Phil "Pour Me Another One [hic!] Sheridan, and General George "The Wigwam Whacker" Custer.
Reports are that Julia's personal foot massager, Betty Pettyclover, 31, had to slap General Sheridan when he reached into her ruffled bustle and tried to fondle her badonkadonk, which back then was simply referred to as a gluteus maximus rumpus delecti.
And later in the evening Joseph Hooker, who actually coined the phrase 'Hooker' was told by President Grant's personal secret service agent to stop trying to recruit White House female interns to join his group of 'Traveling Hookers.'
General George Armstrong Custer, who was very anti-Indian, got into a fight with the American ambassador to the Sioux Indian Nation, Chief Saw Horse Who Sweats Sawdust.
Mrs. Obama said that hopefully her husband's birthday bash won't be as out-of-control as Ully Grant's was.
She added that she has hired Europe's number one birthday party food catering service, The Madrid Food Factory Catering Service.
Mrs. Obama stressed that she wants it made crystal clear that they are not to use any bull meat at all. A spokesperson for MFFCS said that they only use bull meat when they are catering parties in Portugal, Spain, or at England's Buckingham Palace.
Some of the guests who have been invited to the president's 49th birthday party on August 4, include the president's special advisor and BFF Oprah Winfrey; Larry King, but not his adulterous wife, Shawn; San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan and his blonde wife Amy; Ryan Seacrest and his date Julianne Hough; Shakira; George Lopez; and The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.
"The First Mama" said that she has booked five musical acts to perform at the presidential birthday bash.
She is booking the band Los Lobos, for the Hispanic guests. The second act is Carrie Underwood booked for all of the redneck folks. The third singer will be Justin Bieber, for all of the kids.
The fourth act will be Adam Lambert for the gays and lesbians in attendance. And the fifth band will be Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz for the blacks, Muslims, Saudi Arabians, and Oprah Winfrey who says that as far as she is concerned they're the "Black Beatles."
SIDENOTE: Mrs. Obama was asked if she had invited any Repubicans. She smiled and said, "No the secret service ruled against us having any GOPers at the party; something about they get to drinking and right away they wanna start pointing the fingers and shit."