Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 31 July 2010

image for British Film Industry In Crisis - Hollywood Moguls Put The Boot In
Cue Huge For The Money Shot!

As the British Film Industry reels under austerity measures introduced by the Con-Dem coalition government, including the scrapping of the UK Film Council - which has funded countless film projects (at least half a dozen, and counting...) - industry leading lights turned to Hollywood looking for support...

...and got soundly kicked in the ass.

Prestigeous leading lights such as Liam Neeson out of 'The A Team' had little effect on the Hollywood wheeler-dealers who bankroll movie projects in the USA, who generally regard their British counterparts as...

...crap.

With no eye for the almighty dollar.

Top Hollywood director Martin Gocrazy remarked:

"The Brits are pretty crap when it comes to making movies. They deserve to have their funding withdrawn. The schmucks over there either make movies about 1960s cockney Kray twin gangster stereotypes, weddings and fucking funerals, or highbrow bullshit like Shakespeare which nobody understands anyway. The limeys should stick to what they're good at - bitchin,' soccer hooligans, fish and chip making, and indecipherable accents. That's just about all they're fit for."

Some Hollywood moguls, such as hotshot producer Peter File, believe that the UK film industry won't gamble on mediocrity, preferring utter shit instead. He said that the Brits were notoriously egotistical and always insist that they know better:

"The limeys are like the French," he stated. "Had they made Star wars, they'd have had Luke Skywalker sitting, depressed at some fucking bar, chain smoking Gauloises because he had a dysfunctional upbringing, bemoaning his lot. As opposed to going out there and kicking Darth Vader's ass. They take themselves way too seriously. And the pricks consider CGI to be the devil's work. Fuckers need to lighten up you ask me."

Famous British thespian, Huge Rant angrily countered the American accusations by saying:

"Bloody Yanks. They don't do foppish. They have no idea. They don't understand subtlety or irony - it's completely beyond their ken."

"Right. Yeah." Hollywood horror movie legend John Woodworker said. "All I need is a camera and a script, and a bunch of impoverished actors. I got a fucking movie! I'll make millions. For Christ's sake, we're not talking about producing for a discerning audience here. The Brits are so far up their own snooty asses it's unreal. Gimme a knife rampage and I'll give the investors the megabucks. Gimme some fuckin CGI and we're talkin' billions!"

Huge Rant was last seen being busted on Hollywood Boulevard.

Reportedly on the receiving end of a blow-job. From a prostitute. Very 'foppish.'

The row rumbles on. Especially on Hampstead Heath.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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