Written by Chuck the Canuck
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Topics: Sleep, Girlfriend

Saturday, 16 April 2005

image for Uncle BoB's: Advice to the lovelorn.
Uncle Bob - Been there. Done that.

Dear Uncle BoB,

How can I get my girlfriend of five years to quit being so cruel? I'm afraid to sleep with her anymore. Every time I do, when I wake up in the morning, I find that she has either shaved my head or my eyebrows, or written something nasty on my body in indelible marker.

Last week I was forced to give a presentation at the office. It was fairly obvious within the first minute or so that my co-workers weren't listening to a thing I was saying. They were all too busy pointing and laughing at me. Not only had she shaven my head and eyebrows, she had given me a Hitler moustache and written the words, "You are a moron" backwards on my forehead. When I asked her later why she would do such a thing, she said, "So that while you are trying to wash off that mustache in front of the mirror, you would get the message loud and clear".

I had a particularly embarrassing incident last month down at the gym. While I was taking a shower with the guys, I accidently dropped the soap. As I bent over to pick it up, the whole shower room broke out in uproarious laughter. It seems that she'd been at it again. This time she had drawn large "W's" on both cheeks of by buttocks and when I bent over to pick up the soap my buddies were treated to a big dripping "WoW. To add insult to injury, in between bouts of chortling and giggling, they tied my ankles together, wrote the words "I love you" upside down on my back and hung me upside down from a towel hook. Then they proceeded to take Polaroids of my posterior to send home to their moms. How would you feel if every time you took your pants off in public, everybody could see a big WoW staring back at them? I wish she'd stop.

I'm at my wits end. I don't want to lose her. Please tell me what to do.

Please help me Uncle BoB.
"Marked in Manitoba"

Dear Marked,

First of all, as I can see from your enclosed photos, you should thank your lucky stars that you have a girl friend. It appears in your case, not only does ugly go right down to the bone, it seems to go right to the marrow as well.

As I see it, you should be thankful you have a literate girl friend. Suck it up and take it like a man.

In regards to how I would feel if every time I took my pants off everybody could see a big WoW., personally "Marked", I would have no problem with anyone seeing me with my pants off. They would all be so awe struck it wouldn't matter what some mad woman had scribbled on my ass.

BoB

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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