Music industry insiders expressed surprise overnight by Cheryl Cole's wee X-Factor 'babby brutha' Joe McElderry's announcement that he is gay.
None were more surprised than the natives of Joe's hometown of South Shields. As one resident, Basha Blurk told our reporter:*
"We could tell wee Joe was on the other bus all along man. I mean, he was all petite and that, and he didn't have any scars or missin' teeth like. That's unusual forra Sooth Shields nipper forra start. An' he nivva gorra stiffy like when yon Cheryl Curl mon was giving him a hug like. He was just all limp, like a big ladyboy or something. So we knew all the time like. It was obvious man Skoob. The surprise is that a Geordie admitted being a gay in public!"
It seems though that the revelation was a surprise to industry insiders. Our showbiz correspondent, Buffty Ginslinger told us:
"I don't see the fucking point of this admission, dear boy. I know that wee Joe hasn't been hitting the headlines since he lost out on the Christmas Number One slot to Rage Against The Machine, so this gay thing kind of smacks of desperation to me. This kind of thing is exceedingly old hat, and frankly, it's been done to death. Besides, nobody really gives a toss any more anyway."
*The Basha Blurk interview was translated from the Geordie by Dennis out of 'Auf Wiedersehen Pet' as portrayed by Tim Healy - the husband of Denise Welch out of 'Loose Women.' The original version would have read:
"Wuz noo reet aff the bat man that wee Jur wuz on thee utha bus leek man an that. Bilt leek a wee bairn ee wuz man an ee'd nee scarz ower missin' gnashazz leek yer knaa. Yuz divvent offen get that roond Sheelz man! An when Chezza huggd em ee nivva gorra reet fuckin stonka on the fuckin' sturve leek. Haddaway 'n' fuckin' shite man Skoob y' fuckin' long streak a piss."
More gleeful Geordie gayness guff as we get it.