Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 24 July 2010

image for Local Man Slams Wife On Saturday Night TV
Even The Cat Fucked Off out Of It

Local man Martin Shuttlecock last night slammed his wife on national TV. Well, not actually on national TV, more regarding the quality - or lack of it - on a UK national network. On a Saturday night.

As is the accepted norm in the Shuttlecock household on a Saturday, Martin usually hands the TV remote to long suffering wife Anne, who selects the evening's TV viewing options.

Things started out promisingly enough, with big-shirted surrealist comedian Harry Hill introducing the clip show 'You've Been Framed.'

But Shuttlecock could only cringe in utter dismay as clip after clip of stupid people from all over the world led to way too many 'Ouch! That must have really hurt!' moments, which even the most intellectually challenged moron would have recognised as sheer folly.

That was the highlight of the evening, as bad as it was.

From there, things got steadily worse.

Peter Andre and Jason Manford came next, in head on competition with Eamon Holmes and his Mrs, Ruth. They had to select who was telling the truth on a really shit game show featuring some Geordie bloke with a really hairy back and a sad bastard with an obviously fake combover hairstyle.

And a hypnotist.

Which prompted Peter Andre to enquire in a well scripted, ad-libbed, off the cuff, meticulously rehearsed fashion:

"Could you hypnotise me into forgetting all about somebody from my recent past?" he quipped.

Martin Shuttlecock cringed again, and glowered at Anne with an accusatory stare.

Then it got worse. Some knobhead presented a programme featuring Amanda Holden as a 'guest.' Which was an absolute disaster. Holden proved that she's basically not very good at anything by failing to hit a button with a mallet from point blank range - proving that she wouldn't have stood a cat in hell's chance of making a career in boarding up broken windows.

Then at the end of the show, nobody won anything. The same as last week. Unless of course somebody got lucky with the pound a minute premium rate telephone contest.

Then it all became too much, and Shuttlecock buggered off up the shop to buy milk and a couple of beers.

Upon his return, it was '30 Years Of An Audience With...' - which was fair enough, but they've all been on countless times before.

When Shuttlecock complained about the viewing content on offer, wife Anne challenged:

"What would you rather have watched then? Saw 5? Or some other mindlessly violent crappy movie? What? What?"

At which point Shuttlecock snapped. Lost it.

"I'd rather watch a three hour DVD of Michael fucking Buble in concert than that load of absolute bollocks!" he raged. "And I fucking DETEST Michael bastard Buble!"

One - nil to Martin.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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