In a bold, brilliant move, CBS has announced its plans to replace As The World Turns, which has been generating ad revenue since 1956, with a 'View'-like talk show hosted by six women.
"We looked at several different programs to replace 'As The World Turns,' including a cooking game show with Emeril Lagasse and a new 'Pyramid' hosted by Andy Richter. However, 'The View'-esque program tested pretty well with audiences."
The six rocket surgeons that will be hosting the show --tentatively named "View, Too"-- are:
Sarah Gilbert, 35: Cementing her place on the list of TV's best actresses, Gilbert played miserable heterosexual Darlene for years on "Roseanne." In real life, she is a miserable lesbian who has two kids with her partner.
Holly Robinson-Peete, 46: The Philadelphia-born actress is the daughter of the late actor Matt Robinson (The original and, as far as I'm concerned, the only Gordon from Sesame Street. F--k you, Hal Miller and Roscoe Orman.) Robinson-Peete attempted to act in shows like 21 Jump Street and Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. In 1995, Holly married Quarterback Rodney Peete, the year Peete joined the Philadelphia Eagles, and promptly forgot how to throw a football.
Sharon Osbourne, 113: Sharon Osbourne, some lady who used to be really fat and is married to some guy who can barely string two words together. She has two fat kids and one skinny one.
Leah Remini, 39: An actress who should have won 3 Emmys for her critically acclaimed role as Stacey Carosi on the intense syndicated drama Saved by the Bell during the classic Malibu Sands-era of the show. The character's brilliant story arc reached its zenith when she kissed Zach Morris under the fireworks during the Fourth of July celebration.
Oh, she's a Scientologist, and she was on some show called King of Queens with Ethan Suplee.
Marissa Jaret Winokur, 255 lbs.: Marissa, the daughter of Michael Winokur, an architect, and Maxine, an English Sheepdog / St. Bernard mix, is most famous for playing playing Tracy Turnblad in the unwatchable movie version of "Hairspray", which also featured John Travolta dressed like a woman. Which, you know, isn't much of a stretch.
Winokur, who got her big break as Carnie Wilson's stunt double, is married with one son.
Julie Chen, 40: Chen was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens, until her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes. What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny. So over the bridge from Flushing to CBS' CEO Les Moonves' door, Chen went. Chen, who hosts The Early Show, Big Brother, the CBS Evening News, CSI Miami, How I Met Your Mother and The Amazing Race, reminds the public that the fact that her marriage to Moonves has nothing to do with her success at the network.
In fact, Moonves, the executive who allowed Howard Stern, CBS Radio's ad revenue cash cow, to defect to SiriusXM, and replaced Stern with <snicker> bald, twice-fired Van Halen singer David Lee Roth, claims that he didn't have any say in the pickup of the talk show. It was all Nina Tassler, CBS entertainment president, who certainly didn't want to make her boss happy by hiring his wife.
"Julie brings a lot of television know-how to the show," said Moonves, 85. "It's all knowledge by injection, if you catch my meaning. <Clicks tongue.>"
Moonves also says that there is no truth to the rumour that the press release announcing that the show has been cancelled has already been written: "I mean, I know it's gonna be a colossal f--king train wreck, and everyone else knows it too. But, to be honest, I'm so checked out of this job, I'll throw any sh-t on the air just to make it look like I'm doing something."