Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Hollywood

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

image for Hollywood Pool Boy Writes Tell-All Book

Hollywood stories from personal service staff always being more interesting than those fabricated by publicists, Morrie Wenkler, personal pool maintenance boy to the stars has compiled a blockbuster series of stories from his exclusive customer list.

"It's most interesting really", says the Stanford educated Wenkler, "I found that the condition of a particular customer's pool very closely matched their personality and lifestyle. One might expect that a disgustingly dirty, unmaintained, scum covered, rotting vegetable smelling pool would belong to Mel Gibson, but other pool owners were multifaceted and complex, much like their pool's water chemistry".

The book titled, "Skimming Condoms" highlights the lifestyle frivolities of numerous stars, where demons and angels reveal themselves in the water. John Stamos' pool was the apparent inspiration for the title of the book. "I remember John calling me early one Sunday morning", says Wenkler, "telling me he had a biological emergency. There were condoms floating everywhere, but it wasn't anything a little extra chlorine and a good skimming of latex and pubic hair couldn't fix. Frankly, I wish I had gotten invited to that party."

Another chapter was dedicated to Leonardo DiCaprio and his apparent lack of chemical knowledge. Wenkler was called to the stars home only to find a column of foam rising almost vertically from the pool. "I knew instantly that one of Leo's guests probably snuck in a bottle of dish soap. We used to do it to the city fountain back home all the time, but he insisted that I had screwed up the pH levels somehow. Dumb as a box of rocks, that one."

Other stories were less provocative, but innocently telling in their own right. An emergency call from Taylor Swift had Wenkler baffled at her telephone description of the problem. "The water is all thick and discolored", she said. Wenkler made the service call only to find that Swift had just wrapped up an all night "Pick me Up" pajama party with a gummi bear theme, after she got upstaged by Kanye West at a recent awards show. "Warm water and lots of gelatin based candy don't mix", said Wenkler. "Actually, they mix very well come to think of it. Had to drain the pool, but that took care of the problem. Oh, and I left a Kanye a little copper sulfate present in his pool shortly after. His next blonde female guest should enjoy her new green hair."

With his years of Hollywood pool activity, this reporter wondered if there was any truth to the stereotype of the pool boy being called up for a little "slap and tickle". "Yeah, Sharon Stone used to call me all the time. Sad really. She tosses a few leaves in the pool and shows up at the door in a lace baby doll and a bottle of champagne. I put a stop to that by asking if she had a younger sister."

"Skimming Condoms" is on store shelves now for only $19.95.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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