Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 21 July 2010

image for Lindsay Lohan Reports To Prison and Says She Hates Her Orange Prison Jumpsuit and Asks To Exchange It For A Lavender One
Lindsay Lohan's cell mate, Courtney Pescado, is a convicted Mexican drug cartel hitwoman.

LOS ANGELES - The little lost and misunderstood girl of California, Lindsay Lohan has turned herself into the Lynwood Correctional Institute, whose official name is The Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women.

Prisoner #362426 showed up on time and had her mug shot taken. She was fingerprinted and given a full body cavity search.

Lohan immediately filed a complaint with Prison Warden Noah Westbunker. She asked him if it was absolutely necessary that she be subjected to seven different full body cavity searches by seven different prison guards.

The warden told her that it was totally a discretionary thing that was left up solely to the discretion of the guards on duty at the time.

He pointed out to her that he remembers several years ago when Paris Hilton was at 'Zsa Zsa' she was given 14 full cavity body searches within her first 24 hours at the prison.

Lohan did ask what they were going to do with the items that they had found during the full body cavity search.

Warden Westbunker went to the file to see what exactly the guards had found. As he read the list he began giggling. Lohan asked him what was so funny.

He asked her, "Miss Lohan, why in the world would you put an iPhone in your crotch cookie?"

She smiled and said that she had set it on vibrate and was going to have her 'ex-boyfriend' Samantha Ronson call her three times each night after she had gone to bed.

Warden Westbunker then asked her about the small bag of cashew nuts. Lohan said that she has a fetish for cashew nuts and she was told by her friends and ex-convicts that cashew nuts are not allowed in prison.

He smiled and then asked her about the roll of quarters.

She blushed and said that she was going to use them to buy M&M's from the prison candy dispenser. She said that she was semi-addicted to them and that she was going to pretend that they were drugs.

Lindsay asked the warden if her cell mate was going to be a lesbian. The warden laughed.

She asked what was so funny and he told her that all of the women in his prison are lesbians.

SIDENOTE: Just before she was escorted to her jail cell Lohan asked Warden Westbunker if he could please at least give her a real pretty cell mate. The warden winked and said that he would see what he could do.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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