Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 19 July 2010

image for I've Boinked a Celebrity; Get Me a Deal Here
New celebrity picture, froma nude shower paparazzi photograph, pixelized for starlet's protection.

Following in the footsteps of concubines from the golden days of Hollywood, the new era of the celebrity girlfriend has risen to the top of the public interest heap. 50 years ago, a celebrity's girlfriend would have still needed a talent to garner any sort of public recognition or fame, but those days are lost and gone forever. Now, all you need to do is twist tongues or knock boots with the right celebrity to cut yourself a nice TV deal.

The shift started years ago with the discovery of Heidi Fleiss and her Hollywood prostitution business. Aside from the legal issues associated with her mostly private business venture, her stock immediately rose to celebrity status once the supposed list of male customers was discussed. A movie was made about the affair, pardon the pun, while making celebrity appearances on Larry King and on the reality series, Celebrity Big Brother. Heidi cashed in for a while, and then faded into the proverbial woodwork of her hand-tooled, pardon the pun, bed frame.

The current crop of "Nouveau célèbre", did not have to invest as much effort or stamina as Ms. Fleiss did in order to enjoy a modicum of fame. Rachel Uchitel simply needed to wax Tiger's putter then talk about it, and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee only needed to show Jesse James her special tattoo. Ms. Uchitel is apparently being considered for the next Celebrity Apprentice reality show, and Ms. McGee is receiving plenty of press coverage for her World Record attempt at accumulating 200 bikini wearing women in a single group. Their parents are most likely, very proud.

And yet the most recent addition to this trend will likely be Oksana Grigorieva, a name you will hear more and more in Hollywood related stories from her girlfriend association to a certain Mr. Mel Gibson. Oksana may be the only exception to the "I deserve a Deal" rule, having to put up with an allegedly abusive, and documented racist pig like Gibson. Oksana deserves every penny she can get from her story.

So, all you Kobe Bryant, Robert Pattinson, David Beckham, or Justin Beiber fans out there, get busy! Hook up with your favorite celebrity, tip off one of those hard news outlets like Fox, and hire a two-bit publicist. You'll be on easy street in no time!

Finally, since men seem to be stupid, primarily making every life decision based on rapid blood accumulation in the sweaty area between their legs, couldn't we get a couple of Hollywood women to throw down on a young guy now and again? Hey, we could use a little fame and fortune too.

Make P.M. Wortham's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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