Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Topics: Music, Amy Winehouse

Thursday, 15 July 2010

image for Amy Crackhouse Records Comeback Album
Amy Winehouse

In between geting high, shagging pool boys in St Lucia, self harming, getting high, banging on about "my Blakey", self harming and getting high some more; Amy Crackhouse has apparently (and to be frank, astonishingly) recorded a "comeback album".

We're still surprised that Amy self-harms when there's millions of other people around who would be happy to do it for the split arsed bint but hey, it's a crazy world.

As usual, Blake Fielder-Rentboy-Smackhead has been involved in the recording process although his participation has largely been limited to providing her with razor blades, bags of brown and crack pipes. Long time collaborator Mark Ronson has been busy remixing the tracks on her arms and Pete Doherty has even chipped in as her designated drunk driver.

The full track listing, strinkingly similar to the song titles on her last, Back to Black, is understood to be as follows:

1. Rehab sucks
2. You Know I'm A Slag
3. Me & Smack
4. Just Crack
5. Back to Crack
6. Smack Is a Losing Game
7. Crack Rocks Dry on Their Own
8. Rock Up Alone
9. Some Unholy Crack
10. He Can Only Hold Her Smack

Amy Winehouse provided us with the following statement:

"oooooooooaaaaagheeeyeeeeeeah, I'm soooooooo fuckinnnnnnnng high right now"

She then proceeded to chant the word "Blakey" for 40 minutes, slash her arms and shit on the pavement, all whilst wearing slippers, a boob tube and a birds nest.

In other news today Switzerland has just medicalised heroin.

In other OTHER news, Amy Winehouse is moving to Switzerland.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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