Written by The Jonner

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Topics: Kerry Katona

Thursday, 15 July 2010

British huge titted mentalist, Kerry Katona last night revealed that she had not acted in a newsworthy way for over a week.

"I don't know how it happened," she simpered to the one remaining British reporter with any sympathy left towards her. "I'm just in a really good place at the moment. I don't feel the need for any drugs, booze or junk food." Answering questions about her impending divorce from former cabbie drug dealer, Mark Croft, Katona went on, "We've just decided to be adults about the whole thing and our solicitors are drawing up a fair and reasonable settlement with regard to assets and access to the children. We don't feel the need to conduct this is public."

Katona, although famously bankrupt, has found work recently as a representative for Safe Style windows, so television viewers can soon expect to have Katona getting on their tits as she tells them that they can, "buy one, you get one free," with other such TV luminaries as Cannon and Ball and that twat who's dressed like a cross between a lion and a wizard. "Oh, the adverts are just so funny, aren't they?" squealed Katona before revealing that, somehow, she has signed a three year, £2 million contract.

Katona, who has struggled with her weight over the years but is now strangely doable, put her dramatic loss of over two stone down to her new boyfriend, in no way on the make general handyman, Adam Waldron, and their "bloody frantic" sex life. Kerry then went into excruciating detail, leaving the reporter feeling nauseous yet slightly aroused.

Apologising to the British media, Katona went on to say that her happiness was surely only temporary and that they would be able to continue making money out of her once her relationship with Waldron comes to its inevitably tragic and acrimonious conclusion.

"Soon as he dumps me, " she trilled, "I'll be back on the chips and Charlie before you can say kerching!" Laughing hysterically, Katona then asked the reporter if he found her attractive. At that point, the journalist made his excuses and left.

Katona's final statement will be a relief to every gossip/celebrity magazine editor in Britain as rumours were permeating that without Katona - and the magazines' realisation that Katie Price just isn't worth the paper her plastic body and brain are printed on - all of their jobs were under threat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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