BEVERLY HILLS - Heidi Montag has single handedly helped to make her plastic surgeon a bonafide millionaire.
"Plastic Woman" stated that after 38 surgeries, she just recently went in to get a type of 'tune up.' She said that her last surgery was an ear lobe reduction.
Heidi said that it went fine, except for the fact that when she sneezed two days ago, her ear lobe twirled around and somehow got lodged in her eardrum.
She said that right away her hearing was reduced by 50 percent. She proudly boasted that while in grade school arithmetic was one of her favorite subjects so she was able to figure out that mathematical percentage equation fairly easy.
Heidi said that she is really looking forward to starting her reality show in the fall. It will air on the FBN (Female Body Network) and is called Heidi Montag and Her Trained Triple D's.
Montag was asked about her current boyfriend Jesse James, Sandra Bullock's ex-husband. She blushed and said that her and Jesse are having a ball.
She says that he has been after her to get some tattoos, but she is afraid that they will hurt and make her look kind of on the cheap, slutty side.
Jesse has assured her that they do not hurt and that he knows women who are bank presidents who have tattoos.
He said that one lady, whom he would only identify by the initials W.Z., is the Executive Vice President of Money Laundering at Austin's Bank of The Lone Star. He pointed out that she has a total of three tattoos located on various intimate parts of her body.
When asked where they were located he declined to say.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I made a quick call to my good friend Larry King and he told me that Wanda Amanda Zlickenhouse has a tattoo of a parrot on her left tit, a Gaboon viper on her right tit, and a koala bear on her uterus.]