Written by Blunder_Down_Under
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Saturday, 9 April 2005

A sometimes reliable scource inside the Vatican has revealed startling information regarding the dying words of Pope John Paul II ...
The informant who wishes - wished to remain anonymous, denied rumours that this was a cheap political stunt & publicity magnet in an attempt to gain valuable votes in the forthcomong Papal Elections.
"No mate... I'm absolutely fair dinkum when I say this" said the anonymous Cardinal whilst sipping a Schooner of what looked like amber coloured holy water...
"His exact words were; and I quote verbatim here" - "I was in Houston on the rocky knoll in 1964"...
"Granted .. it came from the esteemed Pontif's lips well actually breathing tube in a somewhat garbled fashion, however I knew by the pained expression on his face that - that is what he was saying"
Vatican Officials refused to make further comment despite a contigency of approximately 2 million people in a very upset state descending upon the Holy City to demand answers...
The lead up to the Election for God's new Representative in Rome, has seen many Cardinals turn to religion in the hope they might score the top paying job... Many have enlisted their children to door knock the greater metro area of Vatican City, whilst others have postponed important engagements such as BBQ's, Booze Ups and funerals in frantic efforts to steer the electoral process in a favourable direction...
Pollsters have tipped the dark horse to be Cardinal George Pell a maverick Australian who claims to have deep religious convictions & a couple of others he didn't have time to elaborate on ....
Cardinal Pell in his electoral promises has vowed to do away with Plonk (wine) and replace it with the much favoured Victoria Bitter (which he claims is held in far more reverence than cheap Moselle) as the preferred communal sip...
When questioned about his suitability for the position Cardinal Pell stated "No bloody worries - she'll be apples" (an obvious reference to First Testament Scripture)...
Pell also went on to state that one of his first iniatives would be to get those publishers to pull their fingers out and release the eagerly awaited Third Testament... (A book he claims according to historical fact, will sell like buggery) and help to prop up the coffers of the struggling Vatican economy. Other new & perhaps controversial initiatives include Pokies (slot machines) to be installed in every Catholic religious venue worldwide...
His Pay - As -You - Pray scheme; whereby patrons are charged admission to church services... will go a long way also to ridding these venues of "Penniless Riff-Raff" who for centuries have been a drain on fiscal rescources he added...

More Up-dates as the informant - sobers up!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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