HOLLYWOOD - Two of Tinsel Town's leading producers, brothers Amaretto and Staccato Monteverdi have joined together to film the vampire epic, The Vampire Diet.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart purchased the rights to the Alec Swishtoot penned novel and have been wanting to make the film for the past year.
After back and forth deliberations with the eccentric Bulgarian writer Pattinson and Stewart can now proceed with their much anticipated project after agreeing to pay Swishtoot $1.2 million, two cases of Chivas Regal Scotch Whisky, a 2010 Nissan Murano, and a date with the best call girl in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
The two are thrilled to be able to use the film as an acting tool for three very full-figured women, Kirstie Alley, Wynonna Judd, and Niecy Nash.
Alley will star as Desdemona The Countess of High Caloric Food. Judd will portray Violetta The Sorceress of Clairvoyant Carbs and Fastidious Fats and Nash will appear as Temenuzha The Black High Priestess of Midnight Snacking and Pre-Dawn Munching.
Pattinson and Stewart will star as King Nikephoros XIII and Queen Lilianka VI. The movie will be shot in Ottumwa, Iowa, which bears an astonishing resemblance to 15 century Transylvania.
In a related story. Gabourey Sidibe, who weighs 603, was to have appeared as Temenuzha The Black High Priestess of Midnight Snacking and Pre-Dawn Munching but she refused to agree to the producers request that she please not wear short shorts while on the movie set.