A story reporting that the former TV show host Fern Britton had 'gone on the rampage', is not true it has emerged.
The story, written by satirist Daryl Beech, was investigated and found to contain 'not a grain of truth'. Beech has been warned of his conduct in future submissions.
The scandalous story, Fern Britton on the Rampage, set off alarm bells at the studios where Britton used to be employed when presenting the This Morning show with Philip Scrotum, a show watched by dolts and slackers with nothing better to do.
A close friend of Fern's, who chose to remain nameless, told me:
"That story by Beech is totally irresponsible. Fern was with friends at a Mars Bar Party in central London. She stayed all night, and only returned home this morning after a forklift was sent round there to collect her."
That story was confirmed by Stan Kiriyakos, who owns a burger van in Knightsbridge. He said:
"No rampage here either. Fern stopped off at around 6pm last night, had a couple of burgers on her way to the party, and came back this morning on a forklift for three more - and a doughnut."
Several other eyewitnesses remember seeing Fern laid on a pallet, with a Mars Bar sticking out of each corner of her gob, and one in her ear.
Spoof magnate M*rk L**t*n commented:
"Sometimes satirists can be rather cutting. This one got out of hand, and he's been warned. At least he didn't go so far as to mention her eating habits!"