Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Vatican, treatment

Thursday, 7 April 2005

image for Vatican Admits "Weekend At Bernie's" Influence
Strings and wires facilitate poses for the corpse

In an admission that was becoming obvious to the world, the Vatican finally acknowledged that their treatment of the deceased pontiff was indeed adapted from the popular movie "A Weekend At Bernies". The hit movie depicted two young men who's boss had unexpectedly died, and they responded by dressing him, carrying him around his vacation home, and propping him in various poses.

"I suppose we did watch that movie a few too many times" grinned Cardinal Gimmiaboi, a respected church official in charge of the holy corpse' travel itinerary from the time someone noticed he croaked until he is plopped into his new home, a used hole.

"Hey, it's a great movie, and a Vatican favorite. I thought I'd die during the boat ride sequence. Hell, just him sitting around in the lounge chair is funny enough! And does he ever keep falling over! Its hilarious!"

"Now" Gimmiaboi continues, "our attorneys have advised us not to take his deadness on a boat ride, or even to the beach for that matter, and we've been told to avoid the leisure attire, but everything else is fair game. That's why you see us dressing him up, carrying him around all over the Vatican, basically taking him with us everywhere we go. Ya know, the little bastard was always telling us where to be, when to be there, and we had to obey. Its just downright kickass to have some time to turn the tables. And its pretty damn funny the way he keeps falling over, too, just like Bernie!"

"And ya know, it never hurts to be seen with the Pope. Its good for the career. Especially when its obvious that you're calling the shots! Hey, for once, I decide what I wear, what he wears, where we go, where he sits or lays, and what position he'll assume."

This revelation has caused some speculation as to the exact time of the pontiff's death, and investigative reporters around the world are carefully viewing tapes of the Pope's final days. Cardinal Ginniaboi declined to field questions on this subject, but did grin devilishly when we asked about all those weeks after the Pope quit speaking. "You mean when he just sat around with a tube up his nose?" he grinned.

"This is not the first time Hollywood and the Vatican have taken similar paths" Cardinal Gimmiaboi said, "but its damn sure the most fun time!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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