Written by Charpa93
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Saturday, 10 July 2010

image for Lindsay Lohan Shops for Toiletries and Cigarettes in Anticipation of Jail Stay
Lindsay Lohan is hoping for a top-floor cell so she can see all the way to Beverly Hills

Lindsay Lohan is lucky in that she has the benefit of other celebrities' experiences in jail to help prepare her for what to expect when she goes into the slammer. Big names such as Lil' Kim, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey, Jr. and Martha Stewart, yes, even Martha Stewart, have tweeted Lindsay with kinds words of encouragement and tips on how to survive the big house.

Here is some of the advice she's received so far:

Lil' Kim: Bring lots of cigarettes with you as a bargaining tool and not those cheap generics. I found that out the hard way. Use perfect penmanship while writing your memoirs, and listen to what Martha Stewart has to say. She's the bitch to look up to.

Paris Hilton: If it will help keep your spirits up and give you something to live for, I promise to let you hang out with me for a few hours after you get out of jail. We can go shopping for shoes or smoke a bowl or something. Just let me know and I'll pencil you in.

Robert Downey, Jr.: One thing I really missed while in jail was sex with a woman. In your case, you're lucky cause you don't let a thing like gender get in the way of your sex life. The only other thing I can tell you is don't eat the tapioca pudding; those lumps aren't what you think they are.

Martha Stewart: I'm not sure I can give someone like you advice, dear, because you seem to be hell bent on ruining your life no matter what anyone tells you. All I can say is try to change your underwear every day and do bring along your own toiletries as the ones they hand out in prison are too rough for your delicate skin. Oh, and the toilet in your cell doesn't provide any privacy whatsoever, so sit a bit sideways on the toilet while relieving yourself with your knees together and your hands clasped in your lap to avoid having any crotch shots show up in the tabloids, unlike that Miley Cyrus girl. You never know if those guards are really paparazzi in disguise.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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