Written by Kyle Emall
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Topics: New York, Bicycle

Monday, 4 April 2005

(AP, Anonymous Press)- New York- Reports spread wide as a person matching Lance Armstrong's description, right down to the jersey and bicycle, has been seen couriering packages all over Manhattan. Though Armstrong's personal assistant could not be raised for comment, nor could our reporter catch up to the world renowned cyclist, eye witness accounts could verify positively that Lance is now working as Bicycle Courier. Many companies around the district who employ these couriers are now feeling the pinch as packages are now being delivered with unprecedented accuracy and speed. One courier company now faces bankruptcy in the face of this new delivery system. They relied on underpaid college grades who desperately needed rent money, now they are rethinking the process and hiring the next top rated world cyclist to pull them out of the slump.
Carl Poppadanske of the Manhattan Courier Junkies replied, "Hey, if people are willin' to pay da big bucks jus ta git dier packages on time, an tu see sumone famous, din we'll jus fire all our roughnecks an hire one o' dem deir world cyclists!" Carl, who has been in the business for 27 years is a tough competitor of World Courier Service, who hired Armstrong. Carl is now looking at resumes of 6 other top ten cyclists. One thing can be said about Carl's hiring system is that he wants to find a person who still holds a grudge against the man who single handedly made France look like a pig fart in a beauty pageant. "Dat aint hard, dier all French!" says Carl, "Xcept one I found, he's Italian. Don't dink I'll hire him though!"
USPS has identified that Lance is no longer representing them, and a lawyer no longer associated with Armstrong's defense states that he has been paying as much as 25 different people who have been blackmailing him to quit his winning streak, one such name, a one Jacques Chirac, has successfully extorted over 1.7 million from his personal net worth, nearly breaking his last years total earnings. Now facing retirement, and a bankruptcy of his own, Lance has contracted himself out as the worlds fastest courier system. He will tour the worlds most crowded cities, setting up shops along the way, featuring out of work athletes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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