Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 7 July 2010

image for Lindsay Lohan's New Love Interest Is A Stunning Gal Named Eilat Anschel
LiLo's new girlfriend Eilat Anschel (L) in her Israeli tank on their way to attack the Syrian infidels.

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - The little lost and found, lost and found girl, Lindsay Lohan may just have finally found what she has been looking for, for so many years.

After going through a turbulent up and down relationship with DJ Samantha "Bow-Wow" Ronson, it appears that LiLo may have finally found the 'woman of her dreams.

And who might this mysterious woman be? Her name is Eilat Anschel, and she is from Israel and just recently received an honorable discharge from the Israeli Army.

Anschel was in the hand grenade testing regiment, where it was her duty to make sure that all of the Israeli hand grenades were in perfectly good working condition.

She was also in charge of making sure that all of the bullets were polished and that every rifle trigger was coated with WD-40.

Eilat, who is a stunning brunette with a tattoo of a Mediterranean mermaid tattooed across her right hip says that from the very first moment that she laid eyes on LiLo she knew that she was the woman that she would want to share her hugs, kisses, bed, and (blank).

Anschel also has a tattoo of an Israeli bagel tattooed on her lower labia majora as well as a tattoo of the Yiddish symbol for unbridled sex just above her left nipple.

Lohan smiled when asked if Eilat is the one. She yelled out, "Are you friggin kiddin' me? Yes! yes! yes! this lovely Jewish bitch, and I say that with all the love that I can muster from deep down in the inner recesses of my luscious loins, is MOST definitely the one."

She noted that she has always loved being the subservient, submissive partner in a relationship and now she can be passive in the arms of a real, honest-to-goodness soldier.

She added that Eilat is so good looking that she will surrender to her without a fight every single time. Eilat grins and says that she has never captured someone as easy as she was able to capture Lindsay's heart, soul, and vagina.

When Miss Anschel was asked what she thought about LiLo's ex 'boyfriend' Samantha Ronson, she stuck her finger in her mouth and made the throwing up sound.

Lohan started laughing and hollered out, "Hey babe, you got that right. I just cannot believe that I could have ever been attracted to that Justin Bieber looking skinny little skank."

Lindsay was asked if there are any wedding bells in the near future. She blushed and said that the two will take it easy. She added that they each plan to get matching tattoos of a double heart on their bikini lines with the letters LL and EA intertwined.

Eilat recently purchased a little white toy French poodle for Lindsay, which she named Freckles, after her new found sexy lover.

SIDENOTE: It appears that Lilo's and Eilat's love affair will have to be put on hold for at least 90 days as Lohan has been sentenced to serve three months in jail.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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