Somewhat surprisingly, Cheryl Tweedy, formerly Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud and the X-Factor, has come down with malaria.
Which explains a multitude of accusations levelled at Britain's sweetest sweetheart since Princess Diana. Although experts tend to agree that African holidays can result in malaria, if you don't get the right vaccinations.
Chezza has been criticised in certain circles for losing weight and looking a bit washed out.
Well so would you sister, if you had damned malaria.
Which apparently feels a bit like getting spectacularly drunk and then perspiring in buckets, but in reverse order.
Dancing Derek Hough says that he didn't know there was a problem. Aside from the crap journalistic reportage contained within this article.
To whit we told the dancing ponce to 'sod off.'
Telling him that it was all his fault. Some of it.
We asked Ashley Cole to comment, but he was too busy sending j-peg messages of his cock and bollocks to a crowd of LA based slapdogs.
We normally run longer stories than this, but Ashley and Dancing Derek deserve a bit of premature ejaculation from time to time.
But not in a gay way.
More as we get it.