Following the humiliating 'nul points defeat in the Eurovision Song Contest, the cunning British have changed the rules to make the competition fairer.
In future, all performers will only be allowed to wear thongs.
?We are sick to the back bleeding teeth of these ethnic bleeding singers who come on stage wearing bleeding bell tents' explained Horace Windsor, the Minister of Culture.
?What we want is for the Euro-peasants to judge the bleeding songs and not award marks for the bleeding dresses'
?Sir Bleeding Paul Mc Cartney stayed up all night, writing the last bleeding song .
Stella got bleeding blisters sewing the bleeding sequins on their costumes!
And what did the bleeding Euro crets do? --- Why they gave us nil bleeding points!
At a ?dress rehearsal' of the new event, the Irish entrant, Sean O' Connery was disqualified for sticking a King Edward potato down his thong.
?Me manager told me that the spud would enhance my performance, but he didn't tell me that I had to stick it down the FRONT of me thong' Sean reflected.
Nobody said that it would be easy.